I have this dilemma...

I suppose everyone who davens with kavannah has a singular purpose that meets their needs. In my case, that time davenning helps me to renew and refresh my pursuit of holiness. Cleaving to G-d is a reality. Even when it does not seem to happen, the effort sustains me. It is hard to be a Jew. It is important to drink from the Source and to live a holy, Jewish life, with purity of heart. Wrestling with G-d and with my own proclivities seems to be my lot in life. I cannot simply sustain myself with affirmations. can anyone. I come away from services, frustrated , annoyed and disappointed.

Currently, I have this dilemma. There is a temple with more traditional services across town, where sometimes, the davenning makes me feel home. The rest of the time, I have to move several times because of all the talking. On the other hand, the synagogue I usually attend provides me with a community I am getting to know- I am not anonymous. Neither satisfies my most fundamental need.

He said that I should look at what I can bring to it and she is right. However, I have no family, I have no friends here, I have no one and I don't even want to be here. I have no earthly foundation to raise me up and keep me strong- no bedrock of prayer and sacred community to assuage my misery and give me a reason to spread my wings- somewhere I can hang my kippah and call it "home". Without that stability, I feel lost and adrift with kippot. The counsellor said that I should not look outside but inside myself- self-reliance. I said, that is not the Jewish way. I am not self. Frankly, neither do I think that G-d is enough, though He is the final comfort and hope when else fails or disappoints. A Jewess without a community striving for holiness is like a limb without a body.